The Canterbury Tales - The Knight's Tale pt. 1

What
After drawing lots to tell the first story, the Knight wins and proceeds. Its important to note that this, like a lot of medieval stories dealing with the Classical world, is full of anachronisms, such as ancient “Athenians” dressing up like knights and jousting. Hardcore historians, as one of you, I’m letting you know in advance to just let it go.

Why
It’s the first actual tale of the Canterbury Tales. Its also very long, rather boring, and usually a cause for people to give up on the Tales. This hasn’t stopped it from influencing other writers, such as John Dryden to rewrite it (and actually lengthen it) for a contemporary audience, or Shakespeare to co-write a play based on it. The best sports movie about competitive jousting is connected with a very thin thread to it and is named the same thing. Its fun. Check it out. Chaucer’s a character in it. Chaucer himself cribbed the story off Boccaccio’s Decameron.

The (Spoiler Free) Basics
In Ancient Athens, King Theseus imprisons two knights for decades, they both fall in love with a woman they can only see from their tiny window way up high, and when both are finally out of prison, they proceed to fight over her hand on the field of honor. It’s a typical plot for Courtly Romance.

From here on there be spoilers….

The Knight’s Tale Part 1
Once upon a time, long ago in ancient Athens, there ruled Theseus, manly conqueror and beater of ass. He was so manly and heroic that he conquered the Amazons and married their queen Ypolita. He brought his bride and her younger sister Emelye back to Athens. The narrator (the Knight) says that he’s glossing over how Theseus got where he is because the story’s long enough without it. Which to me, is a warning flag. You’d think the Knight, a trained fighting man, would have lots of cool stories about violence to tell. I mean, he’s been trained since childhood to love the stuff. It’s exciting stuff that audiences love. Why’s he skipping it?

Anyway, on the ride back to Athens, Theseus sees a couple women dressed in mourning black robes and wailing. They don’t stop wailing until they grab his reigns (which tells me that he just wanted to ride past them because there was drinking and swyving to do). He asks them why they’re crying and disrupting his party (seriously) and if there’s anything that can be done about it.

The eldest woman (the widow of the former ruler of Thebes) tells him that they’re all widows of husbands killed in the siege of Thebes and that lord of that city, Creon, has dishonored the dead by forbidding them from being given proper burial, instead piling them up outside the city for the dogs to eat (because he’s a tyrant and that’s what tyrants do.) The women wail some more.

Theseus jumps down off his horse and swears that he shall make Creon pay for his evil and sends Ypolita and Emelye into Athens. The swyving can wait, there’s asses to be beaten, and Theseus unfurls his banner and rides for Thebes.

With a few mentions of past glories, such as slaying the Minotaur on Crete, Theseus reaches Thebes, there’s a battle and he stabs Creon so hard that he explodes in a rainbow of blood. Not really, but the battle is started and won in a few lines, I figured I’d add some color to it (get it? Creon? Color? Ehhhhhh…). He proudly gives the widows back the stinking corpses of the dead so that they can bury them (instead of doing it himself, I feel I should point out). How…considerate of him.

The victorious Athenians heroically loot the corpses of the dead. But wait, among the bodies are two grievously wounded knights, Arcite and Palamon, cousins, and are recognized from their heraldry as rather important Theban nobility. They are taken to Theseus, who has them sent to Athens in chains, heroically refusing to even consider ransoming them.

His job done, Theseus rides home to Athens, leaving Thebes in the control of…um, the helpless, wailing widows? Who have their hands full burying the dead? Its not like Thebes has an army anymore to defend itself. Theseus is a dick, though to be fair, he probably wants to get back home and swyve his hot Amazonian wife.

The army goes back to Athens. Theseus rides in all triumphant-like and Arcite & Palamon are thrown into a tower forever. Its more fun when you say it like that kid from the Sandlot. How long? FOUR-EH-VER!

Years pass. The two knights, who Theseus repeatedly refuses to ransom because he’s a dick, are still in the tower. Seriously, ransoming valuable prisoners was a pretty common occurrence back in the day and Theseus could make some pretty nice cash in the process. Why he doesn’t aside from “I don’t wanna,” isn’t a particularly merciful thing to do. And its not like he’s being courteous and kind to them either. They’re locked up in a tower for X number of years. If he was really polite, he’d let them go without ransoming them. You know what, this is now a drinking game. Every time Theseus acts like a dick in this tale, take a shot. There’s one for this, then one for trying to ignore the wailing women, one for not burying the dead for the women, one for leaving the women defenseless, and one for imprisoning Palamon & Arcite FOUR-EH-VER! So that’s five so far.

So years pass and one May, Emelye, who is a hot blonde with a broad forehead (Chaucer knew what got his audiences hot), is walking around the courtyard picking flowers and singing little songs. Palamon has been given the luxury of being allowed to walk around in a higher chamber with a nice view of the city/ How…generous of Theseus. “Look, I know I’ve been keeping you here as a prisoner for years and refusing to ransom you guys even though you’re worth a lot of money, so I’m going to do you the honor of letting you in another room where you can get a good look at my awesome city that you can’t walk around in.” Take a shot.

Anyway, Palamon sees Emelye and falls in love immediately. Now, he’s at a high enough vantage that he can see the whole city, so he probably doesn’t see a whole lot of details of the girl other than the blonde hair. However, I’ll probably let him have this one because she’s probably the first woman he’s seen in years. He sighs and swoons, and Arcite asks him what’s wrong. Palamon says its not their imprisonment that hurts him so, but a woman as beautiful as Venus. So now Palamon wants Arcite’s help to bust out of their prison, and asks the heavens to show compassion on their noble lineage, brought low by tyranny. I’d say that qualifies as a shot.
Arcite looks out the window and the same thing happens to him; swooning and sighing. This leads to the sexual frustration of X years in jail and an argument between the cousins over who loves the fair maiden more. They argue like the two guys from Waiting For Godot before patching things up because they realize that neither of them can leave their prison anyway, so what’s the point in arguing? Unless of course, they’re bored out of their skulls.

One day, a certain Duke Perotheus arrives at Athens. He’s a friend of Theseus and Arcite, and is able to convince Theseus to let Arcite go without ransom. However, this being Theseus, he can’t just let him go on his merry way. He forbids Arcite to ever return to Athens or anywhere else that Theseus rules over (presumably the Amazons, too) on pain of death. For no reason. It doesn’t seem to be because he knows about Arcite & Palamon’s feelings for Emelye. He just makes up the condition. Take a shot. Arcite agrees that it’s a fair deal (never mind that Palamon, his cousin and oath brother, is still in the tower). Drinking addendum: Take a shot any time Palamon and/or Arcite do something glaringly stupid. Like right now.

So Arcite leaves the city and starts wailing and whining, because he’s still in love with Emelye. He curses his birth, his life, and his friend Perotheus for arranging his freedom. Arcite would rather be in prison and peeping down at Emelye in the garden. Take a shot. He goes on like this for a while.

Palamon, back in the tower, is ALSO wailing and gnashing his teeth, because Arcite is free and Palamon fears he’ll lay siege to Athens so he can conquer Theseus and take Emelye for himself. Which isn’t a bad idea, actually, if not for the fact that Arcite is a blockhead. The cousins lament and whine for a long time, at least a year.

The Knight breaks the narrative to ask the audience (the pilgrims, presumably) which lover has the worse situation, Palamon or Arcite? I’m going to go with Palamon, because he at least has the right idea and can’t do anything about it: Besiege the city, storm it, stab the jerkass Theseus and take Emelye (and potentially rescue the imprisoned cousin). Ok, maybe its not really the best way to introduce yourself to a woman you’ve been ogling out of a tenth story window, but it sure would be exciting. Arcite seems to be the dumb one of the two. Also, Chaucer himself was a POW for a little while before being ransomed, so I’m going to reinforce my vote for Palamon.